Here is a little back story:
Before I had my darling little baby, I thought that being a stay at home mom was the easiest thing in the world. During my whole pregnancy, I was insanely jealous of anyone who stayed at home with their kids. I resented having to go back to work, and kicked myself in the butt regularly for not saving up enough money to be able to stay home for at least one year.
Then I had my baby.
Let me assure you, there is nothing easy about staying home and taking care of a baby all day. I can honestly say that I am blessed with a wonderfully easy, happy baby, and even then it is not easy. I don't use the word "blessed" often, because I feel that people use it for everything. As in: "Just bought a new pair of shoes - blessed" Gag.) As much as I love being with baby Charlie, I was desperate for some sort of routine that I would be forced to stick to. I was home on maternity leave for 16 weeks, and a lot of that time was spent in the house, on the couch watching TV (in my pajamas). I had a Winter baby, so going to walks were out of the question, and I have to admit it was a lonely time for me. Some days the baby would take nice long naps, and I would get a lot of house work done and think "Yup, I can do this. This is great!" and the next day, he would be up all day and I would be a wreck. I tip my hat to all of those moms who can fit in a shower, look perfectly made up and have a slew of activities planned each day; I am not one of them!
For most of my leave, I accepted that I would go back to work and I was not too bothered by it. That was until I only had two weeks of maternity time left. That is when the BOMB dropped, and I officially thought that I was going to die of sadness. All of a sudden, a panic set in that I was going to have to go back to work, leave my baby all day, and miss out on all of the freedom of staying home that I had been so stupidly not taking advantage of. My biggest fear was that my baby would be sad that I was gone and/or he would not love me as much. It sounds so cliche, but that thought consumed me and ripped my heart to shreds. I cried every single day. I was terrified thinking about how sad I would be when the dreaded back to work day actually arrived. Those two weeks were two of the darkest weeks of my life.
Then I went back to work and it wasn't that bad. I was teary leaving the house, and shed a few tears at the end of the day when I picked him up, but that was about it. The second day was even better and tear free.
Here is what helped me:
- I had my husband drop him off the first day - If you can have someone else handle the drop off the first day, week... do it. It made my first day ten times easier, and I HIGHLY recommend it. If not, it isn't the end of the world. Either way there will be tears, but I pulled the band-aid off earlier at home.
- I work from home on Fridays - I understand that not everyone will have this luxury, but if you can finagle a day at home, do it. I was 100% positive that my company would say NO, but I was so sad that I forced myself to ask, and to my surprise they said YES. I have a family member come over on Fridays to watch the baby while I work. Some may think this is crazy, but I think it would be crazy to try and get anything done without.
- Cooking for the week on Sundays - My husband and I will typically make a soup, casserole and pasta dish that can be heated up any time during the week. Cooking is the last thing that I want to do when I get home from work. This also allows for more time with the baby.
- Laying out all of my work outfits in advance - On Saturday or Sunday, I pick out my outfits for the week, I include jewelry, underwear, shoes - the works. It is all laid out and ready to go each morning, which saves me a ton of time. I lay out the baby's clothes too.
- Showering at night - As much as I would like to shower in the morning, I just don't know how long the baby will sleep in the morning, and I do not want to miss the opportunity to shower, because the baby suddenly needs all of my attention in the morning. I shower at night, and in the morning, I am out the door with the baby in 20 minutes. I wake up, brush my teeth, wash my face, brush my hair (I have super straight hair that is easy to style), put my makeup on, get dressed, get the baby dressed and we are OUT!
- Accepting that other people can take care of him just as well as I can - This was hard because I am a control freak! I wrote out an entire set of instructions for how to care for little Charlie. Some people would think that is mental, but I had to do it. The first few days back, I was worried about how his day was going, and if he was sad all day, etc. But now, I know that he is happily playing and having a nice time while I am at work. His caretakers actually play with him a lot more than I do and have been teaching us both how to make the most of his day. He is also getting to experience other people, which will hopefully prevent him from being shy. I was painfully shy as a child, and I am hoping that little Charlie will not have to go through that.
These are just a few things that helped me. I am luck to have some friends at work that I have missed and my days at work are usually very busy. I still miss little Charlie all day, but it is manageable. It is not the horribly painful missing feeling that I thought it would be. When I am home, I still feel that I have plenty of quality time with my little guy and I am happy to take care of him! I am happy to have my routine back, and happy to have a little time to myself at work. I think that finding the perfect work/life balance will take a long time (maybe a lifetime), but it doesn't have to be as bad as other people make it out to be.
For good measure, here is a photo of my little Easter Bunny Baby! Happy as can be (even with a working Mama - ha ha!)
P.S. I am not a cold person. I am very sensitive and extremely family oriented, so if you are reading this and thinking "This lady is obviously an ice queen and can't possible understand how I am feeling!" you are wrong! I completely understand and hope that your experience going back to work is as smooth as mine was. I just want other women to know that it doesn't have to be so bad.
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